Okay, guys, cover your ears. Done? Alright.
Ladies, have you seen the new tabs on the Always pads’ wings? You know, the little paper thing that keeps the wings neatly tucked together until you’re ready to let them fly. So they don’t get all bunched and stuck at funny angles in your Hanes Her Way (because you gotta save the fancier undies for the days when you don’t need Always. And why do they call them “Always”? Wouldn’t “Sometimes” be a better name for them? And did I just steal that line from some comedian? Because now it’s starting to sound really familiar.).
Anyway, back to the stupid tab thingies. Why am I calling them stupid? Well, glad you asked. They are stupid because they now have a little message on them. They say, get this, “Have a Happy Period.” Yes, they do. No, I’m not joking. Why are you asking ME why? I didn’t write it!
Who thought this would be good idea? Seriously. I can’t imagine that a man in a boardroom full of women would suggest this and still be alive. So, that leaves a woman to be the brains behind it. A woman who’s never had a period? Possible, I guess. But seriously? That’s like telling someone, “Have a wonderful root canal!” or “Enjoy your vasectomy!” or “Hope your colonoscopy is great!”
How dumb. (And yes, go ahead and blame the tone of this post on hormones. Not like I can deny it. But it doesn’t make it any less dumb!)
Freedom in a box! I love this country! -Russian commedian who’s name I have forgotten.
Well, I don’t know if that’s a step up or back from a few years ago when I “sometimes” used “Always.” Back then they had instructions for how to use the pad, telling you that you should take the paper cover off and fold the wings down BEFORE pulling up your undies. Well, isn’t that brilliant! I’m so glad they told me, because at first, I wanted to pull up the undies with the wings still folded over the top with the paper cover on them. I thought that waxy paper would be sure to absorb everything! But thankfully I had the instructions right there to read, telling me to remove that paper! And THANK GOODNESS it told me to fold those wings down under! If I hadn’t had that instruction, I would’ve left them folded nice and neatly on top, certain that what wasn’t absorbed would adhere to the sticky part. Whew, glad I read that part, too! (Seriously, if you’ve ever had the wings NOT stick correctly and start flapping around down there, you’ll agree with me that when they get turned the wrong way, your next undies-removal experience isn’t all that pleasant. They don’t stick well to the underside of the undies, but they grab on for dear life when they’re facing the wrong direction! OUCH!)
Okay, and now that I’ve gone into all of that gross detail, I’ll go into some more non-man commenting:
Did you know that Always pads with dry weave have formaldehyde in them? Seriously. My dermatologist told me that. If you’ve got sensitive skin, the formaldehyde can cause serious itching in the nether-regions, similar to an uncurable yeast infection. Believe me. It’s no fun. I can give you more details, but I’m sure BaldMan and Rantz don’t want to hear them. Heck, if they’re still reading after that first section, I should say it anyway… but because I know they’re more thorough readers than interested in the topic, I won’t.
I think I have a new name for you. It’ll be KMM Tolkin, Lord of the Wings… Ok, it’s late. I should be in bed. Sorry about that one.
Yakov Smirnoff, my friend.
http://www.yakov.com/default.html
The Winged One
Carrie: No wonder why I had all those problems in the early years. I never read the directions!!!
And I agree that those wings hand on for dear life in the netherregions! I feel your pain. And, apparently, I’m not allergic to formaldehyde. Whew. Escaped that one!
kerri,
I saw this and laughed my #&(&^(*!!! off!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a happy period, it’s so stupid it’s funny! Pads are uncomfortable for a variety of reasons but hey, when is anything having to do with a woman’s cycle pleasant…what a discussion huh? The men are wanting to talk about sports right now instead of this. one funny thing I remember, do you or anyone for that matter remember the first time, unless it hasn’t happened already, that you needed your husband or boyfriend or whatever to buy feminine products for you because you couldnt’ go and get them at that particular moment? talk about a hilarious situation right there! he he!!!!!!!!!!!
Bald Man is pretty good about that, though he does hate it. And he does still flinch at the commercials.